How “supporting” another person’s goals can be downright harmful.

In our personal and professional relationships, most of us like to think we’re supportive of other people as they pursue their goals. But if in our desire to help, we become, let’s say, “over-enthusiastic,” we may do actual harm. One common mistake is to offer suggestions (even valid ones) too aggressively, or in the wrong tone.

Science says: Do encourage.

Consider a study of more than 100 couples who had been together at least four years. Carnegie Mellon psychology professor Brooke Feeney videotaped these couples conversing about goals. She found that if one person spoke of their partner’s goals in a warm, positive manner, the partner ended up more confident and ambitious, often deciding to raise their goals even higher.

Science says: Don’t try to take control of their goals.

But if someone acted intrusive and controlling toward their partner’s goals—even with the best intentions—that partner ended up feeling bad and insecure, often rolling back their goals and suffering low self-esteem. The most effective support, therefore, was to be warm and encouraging, and to refrain from over-advising.

The best managers use a light touch.

Studies in the business world show similar results. If you want to be a good manager, worry less about giving the right suggestions, and more about giving suggestions in the right way. Often, that means using a light touch, to demonstrate to the person that you trust them to do a good job with or without your supervision.

In other words, keep it about them, and not about you. Studies reveal that when a well-meaning boss or colleague becomes intrusive in their desire to help, they are perceived as rude and negative, so that even their good advice is typically ignored, or at the very least, resented.

Over-advising is an easy mistake to make (at least for me!).

We might imagine that if someone seeks our counsel, or if we’re in a formal feedback situation at work, we should dispense with niceties and get right to the point. I’ve made this mistake more than once, enthusiastically telling a colleague what they were doing wrong and how they could improve. Probably I even threw in a few mandatory compliments to start off. But mostly I was excited to show them how to do things better. What was the inevitable result? They saw me as a know-it-all, and not someone who could help them.

We’re actually more helpful when we let go.

Treat other people’s goals gently, like delicate butterflies you can sincerely admire, knowing better than to grab their wings to show them how to fly. Cheerlead rather than criticize. Encourage, make suggestions only if appropriate, then let go. You’ll help them more, and they’ll like you more. And something else: You will like you more.

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