A caring tone means more than words alone. Bosses, take note!

We’ve all heard that to nourish our relationships, we’ve got to dish out plenty of praise. And that’s true! But science shows that praise delivered in a negative manner may be worse than no praise at all. Meanwhile, even criticism given with compassion creates a positive experience.

Warm-and-caring always wins!

An Australian study tested what happens when bosses give positive or negative performance reviews, in either a warm, caring way or with a sullen, cold tone. Subjects who received positive feedback in a friendly manner rated the experience most highly, of course. But those who heard negative reviews delivered with a warm demeanor also felt good about the interaction!

Never give positive feedback in the wrong tone.

Which type of feedback left people feeling worst? Was it the negative review given in a negative manner? No! It was the positive assessment delivered in an unfriendly way. When someone “praises” us in an unagreeable tone, it’s as though they’ve held out a shiny gift, only to snatch it back. We feel cheated and rejected—worse off than before!

I experienced this many years ago while teaching creative writing at two East Coast universities. Every semester, students gave me rave evaluations, but I wasn’t sure anybody higher up ever read them. So one year I asked to talk with each of my bosses about my performance.

We believe demeanor over words.

One boss delivered flattering words but in a way that seemed resentful, almost sneering. He crossed his arms, scowled, and looked down his nose as he spoke: “I guess the students love you. Your evaluation scores are unusually high. You should probably just keep doing what you’re doing.” The words were positive but his creepy manner undermined any good intent. I left feeling demoralized.

A respectful tone helps us hear constructive criticism.

My other boss gave me a critical suggestion, delivered with respect and a gentle smile: “It seems you’re trying to spend equal class time critiquing each student’s work, and giving equal amounts of praise to everybody. You should spend less group time critiquing the poorly written pieces. The students will learn more focusing on the best among them.” This was actually good advice, and because my boss’s tone was supportive, I felt grateful to hear it.

Deliver all feedback with compassion.

You don’t have to be a boss to put this wisdom to work. When giving anyone feedback, positive or negative, be warm and caring—sincerely so. What you say matters less than how you say it. Your tone—your facial expression, body language and voice combined—means everything.

Sometimes, though, it can be a mistake to mismatch tone and message. Next week we’ll look at the science on that issue. If you don’t want to miss it (and are not yet on my list), be sure to opt-in at the top of the page for my blog updates.

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