Are you a strong leader? Bust the myths.

My client Kevin called me, frustrated that he’d finally been chosen to lead his team—and it wasn’t working out. As leader, he was being forceful with his teammates, he said, but they were stubbornly resisting his authority. “They’re used to me being Mr. Nice Guy. Now that I’m in charge, that’s got to change.” Was Kevin correct?

Common wisdom says the top dog must clearly dominate.

Many people assume that good leaders must aggressively impose their will on others to get the job done. It’s natural, even Darwinian, allowing the strongest to rise to the top. Right?

Let’s take a look, both at Kevin’s predicament and at the research. I asked him why his boss chose him to lead the team. “Probably because I’m accountable and never miss a deadline.” Were his teammates also accountable? Yes, he said, “although right now they’re dragging their feet.”

Natural leaders put their social intelligence to work.

Was it possible that his boss picked him precisely because Kevin typically encouraged and supported others, without being over-controlling? “Well,” he said, “anything’s possible.” After some discussion, he agreed to drop the tough approach and to revert back to his usual, much nicer self for a few days, just to see what would happen.

Kevin called me the following week. “The team’s back on track,” he said. “Everybody’s doing their job. I’m giving support, and I’m thanking people, but I’m staying out of their way. I offered whatever help they needed to make their deadlines. Now don’t faint when you hear this, but I actually apologized for riding them too hard before. Maybe their foot-dragging was a natural reaction to being pushed.”

Wow! I was so impressed. No wonder the boss had chosen Kevin. Kevin is a natural leader. (And, like all true leaders, he’s quick to learn from his own mistakes.)

Successful leaders combine “male” & “female” strengths.

In last week’s blog, I advised you to be vulnerable and nurturing in both your personal and professional relationships. Kevin made himself vulnerable by apologizing, and he was now nurturing his team through appreciation and support.

But those sound like feminine traits, don’t they? Yes indeed. Business research now shows that the most successful executive men and women combine behaviors of both genders: “male” courage and confidence with “female” humility and compassion.

This is true for other primates as well.

Not only do various business studies bear this out, but we can see the pattern in other primates. For example, among chimpanzees, the alpha-male leaders give more comfort and solace to other troupe members than even the female chimps do. “One of the basic functions of a leader, it seems, is to offer appropriate emotional support,” concludes Daniel Goleman in The Brain and Emotional Intelligence. Among leaders of all kinds, compassion trumps aggression.

My guess is that like Kevin, you may be a natural leader. Now that you’re more aware of the fact that leadership depends on social intelligence, you don’t have to wait for an official appointment. How will you choose to step up, to make an even bigger difference in the world today?

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