Don’t fight in bed—unless it’s play!

My client Stacey wondered why her married sex life had gone downhill. As we talked, it surprised her to discover one simple yet serious reason: she and John had fallen into a habit of arguing at bed time. The bedroom (and the bed itself) had become a subconscious symbol of negativity.

They liked sex, but now fought instead.

“We fight, and then we turn away from each other fuming and exhausted. Our two cats get along better than we do! John and I are such good lovers when we do have sex, but now we’re never in the mood. Even nights when we don’t argue, there’s this feeling in the room that’s just not conducive to making love.”

Maybe you can empathize with Stacey. You and your partner are both busy throughout the day, and neither of you is planning a fight. But then at bedtime, there you are suddenly alone together and it feels natural to let off steam by complaining. Unfortunately, that often leads to a full-blown argument, which means you both go to sleep feeling sad or angry.

Of course there are bad and good ways to argue—and we’ll cover some of the science on that in future posts. But your first step is to take it out of the bedroom. Your shared bed should be a sacred place of love, sexual bliss and deep rest for both of you. Bedtime should be an occasion for reconnection and reassurance. (Singles, take note because this goes for you too: Bed and bedtime should be emotionally positive). Let’s look at the science.

Why your bedroom is the wrong place for conflict:

Since the advent of brain-imaging technology, we’ve been able to study how the power of association really works. And sometimes it’s positive! If a person or place repeatedly causes our brain to release feel-good bio-chemicals, our neurons gradually wire together to create that effect instantaneously—to the point where we might need only to think about that person or place, in order to trigger the release of, say, dopamine. Hmm, that feels pleasant.

On the other hand, if we happen to experience stress in a particular location, with repeated incidents over time… eventually that location will automatically trigger the release of feel-bad chemicals, such as cortisol. It’s not logical—the location itself didn’t cause the original stress—but it’s how the brain works. This means that when you habitually fight in bed (or even watch negative TV in bed) you are turning your bed from a safe haven into a hell, or least into an unhappy place.

So should you just fight (or watch the news), in some other room, and then go to bed? NO.

Why bedtime is the wrong time for fretting or fighting:

Just as you’re falling asleep, you pass through a hypnotic brain-wave state, during which your subconscious mind is highly suggestible. The feelings and thoughts you take with you into that state are very likely to stick, almost as though you’d undergone a hypnosis session.

And then, once you are asleep, studies show that your brain cells consolidate whatever you recently learned. So if you just “learned” that the world’s full of danger, or that you’re unhappy with your mate, you likely will wake up later with that knowledge firmly in your mind—even if, in the big picture, it wasn’t true. Now, tragically, it may become a self-fulfilling belief.

Once Stacey understood all of this, we began to work on how she could address conflict with John in a better way, and at a better time, i.e., during the day. (I’ll share with you some of those tools in future posts.) But meanwhile, she wanted to know, “What do I do if at bedtime, I’m feeling tension between us. Okay, I won’t try to relieve it by starting a fight, but then what’s the alternative?”

Sex!

Tension is natural. So alchemize it in sex play.

Stacey and John have been married five years, during which time they’ve learned all about how to please and satisfy each other (an absolute must for successful couples). Here was an opportunity to take it to the next level. Now, maybe you already know this secret about sex: No matter what we choose to actually do—or not do—the truth is that sex taps into the deepest, darkest reaches of the subconscious mind. Although we must always be careful and considerate of our partners… the best sex is not an occasion for being nice.

“Alchemize that tension into something that turns you on,” I suggested to Stacey. “Make it fun, make it hot, make it dirty in the best way. Conflict will always arise in an intimate relationship, but you don’t always have to solve it. Use it instead.”

“You know what?” said Stacy. “Our cats sometimes look as though they’re fighting to the death, when really they’re having a great time. Mmm, I like this idea. And John will definitely like it!”

Bedtime rituals make brain-sense.

In order to clear away the old negative associations caused by their previous habit of arguing, Stacey decided to light scented candles at bedtime to create a new “space” to play in. Great idea! (My clients are so smart.)

And as for you singles out there, consider what ritual you’d like to adopt to make bedtime a positive experience. For example, read something uplifting, or spend five minutes bringing good memories of loved ones to mind. Taking these thoughts with you into sleep will help program you for a wonderful next day.

How about you? Whether you’re partnered up or on your own for now, do you have a positive bedtime ritual you’re willing to share that might help others? Please write your comments or questions below. And if you’ve enjoyed this post, please click Like. Thank you!